


Silence Becomes Irrational

by BalloonBalls



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Carlos is a Good Boyfriend, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, guilty party, hints of drinking problem, oh jeez
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 09:24:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11506461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BalloonBalls/pseuds/BalloonBalls
Summary: So, this contains spoilers for season 3 because you know I live for season 3. Basically, Cecil is obviously suffering from trauma from Carlos' disappearance even though he never actually was the one who went through the experience. So let's shed some light on that.





	Silence Becomes Irrational

Silence. Silence can be one of the scariest things imaginable. Eating away at the soft buzz in the mind. The mind that ticks with every word anyone says. It always is moving, because there's always sound to occupy it, something for the brain to focus on. But in the dead of night, with an even more dead yet deadly silence, the brain has nothing. It must make it's own noise, it's own thing to focus on. Think, it's thinking. It can talk, it can talk to me. It's voice rings and echos through every part of the skull, bouncing all around. 

'How do you know he's coming back?' Most voices inside of the mind can be peaceful, nice. 'What if he doesn't even want to be back?' They can lull someone to sleep easily with nice words and maybe little stories to make in the mind. 'You know he kept putting off finding the door out of the Desert Other World.' Why is this brain, my brain so against me? 'You forced him here.' Why can't my brain tell me nice things? 'This place will kill him. You want him to die.' 

He sleeps so soundly on the bed, in a little Carlos burrito with all the blankets as the wrap, the shell of sort. Why can he do that and I can't? Why is this so easy for you? You're the one who went through everything, I should be the one to help you with everything you've been through. But no, instead I'm so selfish that I end up making this all about me. 

'You're not good enough for him.' I just wanted you to be okay, I was so worried about you. I still am so worried about you. I mean you seem fine and I'm not just saying that because you're a scientist either. 'He's not upset because he was actually happy while away from you.' Why does everything end up being about me? Why must I end up being so selfish? 'You don't even care about him.'

You know, Carlos, every morning you wake up and there's always something wrong with me. Whether it be liquor bottles or bloodied blades. I don't know what I hate more sometimes. I hate that you have to wake up every morning looking to see what the damage had been this time. I hate that you're the one who has to take care of me when I should be taking care of you since you just came back. 

But I'm also just selfish, so selfish. I hate that there's a small, tiny part of me that wonders how you can fall asleep so easily every night knowing that in the morning that something wrong is going to happen. I'm happy that nothing is tormenting you, but of course I just have to be so selfish. And really, sometimes, in the darkest part of my mind I wish you would just stay up with me. Stay and hold onto me until I fall asleep so you'll know nothing bad would happen.

'He doesn't do that because he doesn't care.' Every night, I always find myself like this. Sitting at the edge of the bed staring at him as he sleeps. His beautiful face that looks so content and happy and nice. I really am selfish. I know if something were to ever happen to me, I know my passing thoughts of Carlos would be that he was always a wonderful lover to me and I always loved him from the first moment I ever met him. But, what would Carlos think of me?

He'd probably think about how I was just a worthless emotional wreck who couldn't emotionally stand on his own two feet. An emotional deadbeat. That's probably what he thinks of me. That's what probably what all of Nightvale thinks of me. Oh no, I do end up spilling all my problems on the radio, don't I? We're probably losing listeners everyday, and people are probably dying because they're not listening to the news because they're tired of listening to the stupid reporter talking about all his emotional problems. 

All of Nightvale probably has a bad memory about me. 'You're a useless emotional wreck. The whole town just can't stand you, and neither can Carlos.' They all didn't even care that I was going to leave anyway before Carlos came back. The only reason why they'd care is because they wouldn't be able to get a replacement quick enough. No one in Nightvale even needs me. Not even my niece Janice, or my sister Abby. Or even Steve Carlsberg, none of them need me. 

I lay my head on Carlos' right side, since he was laying on his left side. "Carlos, I love you. I'm sorry that you're stuck with me." I whisper, kissing his right side gently. "If you ever get tired of me, I completely would understand. The entire town is tired of me, I'm sure. So if you were to leave me then I suppose that would be fine, because I would...leave...me too." I could feel my lip trembling, my voice cracking. 

I sat up again, getting off the bed. I didn't want to wake him up. The air got a slight wave of coldness once I stood up from the bed, like Carlos' closeness gave me some sense of warmth. I wish I had that effect on Carlos too, but he obviously doesn't need my warmth with all his blankets. Making my way out of the bedroom, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to do a lot of things, but which one I would choose is still uncertain. My head still hurt and my throat still felt parched from the night before, my skin still burned from the night before the last, and my knuckles still felt sore from the night before two nights ago and the dent in the wall can agree with that. 

I could always just get in my car and drive, drive as far as I could. Maybe I'd actually make it out of here, out of Nightvale. Find new people, new places, maybe I'd even get to see snow. I don't even know why I stay, no one in this town needs me. I should just go, should just drive. Drive until my car runs out of gas and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere regretting everything I had ever done in my life. 

My body is moving on it's own, going towards the key rack just above the counter. My house was never covered in liquor, never covered in blood. I wouldn't want to leave Carlos with that work in the morning. He already works hard enough, dealing with my emotional break downs almost every morning. But no more, he won't have to deal with them ever again. But something stops me in my tracks, the faint but still kind of loud sound of an alarm clock going off. The sun was still down, it was still dark out. It wasn't time for Carlos to wake up, but why?

I'm almost a little too scared to look into the bedroom. Did he mess something up in his alarm? I'm sure he didn't. Or is he here to try to see me doing something stupid so he can finally break up with me without feeling bad. That's probably it, that's probably really it. I need to hide or go somewhere. I can still feel those tears from earlier, pooling up in my eyes in my panic. Stay calm Cecil, you don't need to face him if you're already gone. 

I turn to the door as fast as I could, practically sprinting to it to avoid Carlos' break up. I can't get heartbroken if my neck breaks. "Cecil? What are you doing?" I hear the sleepy voice of the scientist behind me, and I just knew it was all over. In my frantic attempt of an escape, I had already gotten my keys in the door. All I needed to do was just turn the knob and run. My hands were shaking so badly, tears falling down my cheeks and onto my shirt. The last thing I want to break is my heart. 

"Cecil?" Carlos asked me again, I couldn't move. I wouldn't be able to run now, I know that damn well. My body won't listen to me, it won't go out the door. But I need to wonder, why isn't Carlos telling me to get out? Or telling me to stay, though that's a stupid question to ask because he probably doesn't even want me to stay. I just want to know why he isn't doing anything.

"Why...why are you up? It's...it's really, really uh, dark." I mumble out, still staring at the door in front of me. "I know when I'm sleeping you don't have anything to distract you from bad thoughts since it's so quiet and I'm not up to talk to. So I set my alarm so I could try to talk to you when things got bad, instead of just regretting it in the morning." The air was quiet for a moment, just a single moment before he spoke again. "Cecil, were you planning on leaving me?" Carlos asked, his voice sounded sad, not sad, concerned. 

I didn't want to face him, I'm just being selfish again. Forcing him to wake up earlier than he should just for my sake? I really am a deadbeat. "Cecil? Hey, talk to me-" "I'm sorry I'm such a terrible boyfriend Carlos." I selfishly cut him off, but I finally was able to force words out so I wanted to take that chance. "What? Cecil, Cecil no. You're not-" "You're up in the late hours because of me. Me and my selfishness. I'm sorry Carlos. I know you don't want to be with me anymore, you don't need to pretend anymore. I don't want you waking up every morning dealing with a child. I'm so sorry Carlos." I mumbled, hoping he heard me.

"Cecil no! Dear, honey, no! No...this is how bad things would get in the night? Why did you never tell me? Why did you bottle everything up and then take it out on yourself." I could hear the tremble in his voice, did I really just make him cry? Or at least start to cry. It's my fault. Why am I crying still?! This isn't about me! It always ends up being about me! I'm so damn selfish!

Suddenly, I felt hands on the back of my shoulders, and then a turn. I was now staring into the eyes of my killer, my creator, my everything and nothing. I was staring into the belly of a beast yet the eyes of a creature that isn't an 'angel' but something night like that. "Cecil, I love you. I want to help you more than anything. You mean everything to me, and I want to spend my life with you. I don't want you to ever think otherwise Cecil." He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to him. 

My brain had nothing it wanted to say, it just stayed completely quiet. For the first time in a long time, the silence was calming and refreshing. My brain was thinking nice fantasies about Carlos and I spending a life together like normal brains in a committed relationship would do. In Carlos' arms, I felt safe and secure. In Carlos' arms I felt like Nightvale did love me like my family. In Carlos' arms I even started to love Steve Carlsberg. Everything was right here, he was my safe space.

Though, is it even okay to consider someone a safe space? People can change, and I can't confide myself in others. People don't last, people change and people also die. "Carlos, I'm sorry. You have been through so many experiences and probably have so much trauma. And here I am taking the spotlight-" "Cecil, trauma isn't a competition. My concern is helping you feel better, and I know yours is the same. Losing your lover for a year and never knowing when they'll come back is traumatizing enough for anyone. It's not stupid, it's not silly, it's not selfish. It's okay, and you act like you haven't been here for me. There are thousands of times where I didn't even need to say anything and you already knew something was wrong and that's what I love about you. Your selflessness. You're the opposite of selfish Cecil.'

I finally wrapped my arms around Carlos as well, sharing each other's warmness. "Carlos, you'll never want me to go away right?" I asked. "Never in a million years." He says. "And you won't go away right?" I asked. "Never in a million years." He said again, kissing the top of my head softly. "So, this I love you won't be the last, right?" I asked, and Carlos squeezed me. "There are a million more I love yous to come, at minimum." He said quietly, his breath brushing against my hair and scalp.

"I love you, Carlos." I said quietly. "I love you too Cecil." And for the first time in a long time, I smiled while feeling my eyes drifting off into a comfortable, happy sleep.


End file.
